moon phases

Started this before change to "New Blogger", as backup in case of trouble with digiphoto blog "In a Small Dark Room", or rants & links blog "Hello Cruel World" . Useful - at one stage Dark Room was there, but like the astrophysical Dark Matter, we could't see it ... better now, but kept Just In Case.

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There is nothing. There is no God and no universe, there is only empty space, and in it a lost and homeless and wandering and companionless and indestructible Thought. And I am that thought. And God, and the Universe, and Time, and Life, and Death, and Joy and Sorrow and Pain only a grotesque and brutal dream, evolved from the frantic imagination of that same Thought.
Mark Twain (letter to Joseph Twichell after his wife's death)
[me, on a bad day]

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(and my Wish List)

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Room 101 ‘The Worst Thing‘  
I've recently read a couple of mentions of one's own personal ‘Room 101' — the worst torture of yourself you can imagine — and how you shouldn't ever reveal it. I've been building up courage to ask or discuss a point about that, which also ties in with earlier points about how torture affects the victim.

What if some of the worst things you were afraid of did happen, but not as torture? Several bouts of different diseases: surgery, drugs, painful & difficult treatments & rehabilitation over a few short years, leaving permanent deformities & ongoing disabilities. Some of the treatment is close to torture, tho' done with all care & good intent.
Overlapping with those, deaths & other very painful family difficulties.
Resulting from these & medical stuff, some large & complex financial problems.

On hearing the diagnosis of my most recent serious disease, I was almost disappointed that it wasn't a probably-terminal recurrence of a previous one. I could have ‘settled my affairs‘ & enjoyed what time I had left. But it was new, and I had to face many months of new pain & struggle.

So far, I've physically survived — less a few important bodily bits — but rather than feeling ‘refined by fire‘ or strengthened, or learning deep spiritual lessons, etc, etc, etc, I feel broken: weak, distractable, fearful, often depressed, less able to do now what I could do before in almost every way. One friend likened it to post-traumatic stress disorder.

Some places I've been on the Internet are more comforting than the ‘inspirational‘ stories I see around in the media, where various people overcome their suffering to run a marathon, or something of that sort, and say that the disease or accident was ‘the best thing that's happened‘ to them because of the good things they've learnt. There I read of people dealing with their problems, or suffering through them, but not usually praising them.

Labels: medical, memories, torture

[permalink] posted by Mez at 4:21 pm